Strawberry Fields Forever

I've been away so long.  Still in my 45-funk.  I smile and go along for the ride, but I still feel a deep funk, that is as hard to shake as my sloth and gluttony of late.  I'm no dummy, I know there is a connection.

Moving along.

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When I was growing up in the 70's, I spent my summers at my grandparents house working on their farm and surrounding berry fields.  I remember the mornings, waking up so early.  The house was cold.  I remember the smell of dew in the crisp morning air as I boarded the back of my uncle's station wagon with breakfast toast in hand.  We'd cram in with our cousins and drive to the nearest family's field that needed to be picked.  I didn't like picking berries, but it wasn't a choice.  I remember kneeling on the damp ground, picking over the slugs and the wet leaves, looking for the best, big, red, juicy strawberry to fill my flat and my mouth.  By mid-day the layers of clothing would come off as the cold air would turn to warm, then to hot as the the sun blared straight up in the sky.  The hot and dry air would become rich of the smell of strawberries and by summers end that smell made me sick.  I remember the radio sitting on the fence post, playing Silly Love Songs and Afternoon Delight, and to this day those songs bring me right back there.  Camp workers would bring out barbacoa and fresh corn tortillas for lunch, I'd be just fine with my PB & J.  It would be a long day of work, and I didn't earn very much during those summers, just enough for one back-to-school outfit, barely.

Last week I took the girls and my mom to pick strawberries at a local farm.

My mom's still got it, although I out-picked her (no, I'm not competitive) 

I barely lasted an hour, the girls even less.

But the outcome of 17 pounds of strawberries is a whole lot of jam.  

dad stopped by, so I put him to work.

And some fun memories too.

Could it been the haircut?

My "funk" may have come to an end, and the only real variable that changed was....another haircut.

l a y e r s

Could it be?  A snazzy haircut can make any girl feel better about herself.  I think I may be on to something.  I have a new voice in my head....."never again, all one length hair"....it does nothing for my looks or my attitude.  Thank you Sara. xoxo

And the sun has been shining, a big dose of Vitamin D helps too.

And it's Friday.

And it's a three day weekend.

And there is a shift in my thoughts.

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My goal is to sleep in tomorrow.  Real late, let's say 8am.  Sounds like a plan.

Tonight I shall leave you with a little bit of this.

She learned to ride with no training wheels this week (not evident here though)

and this

The closest thing to snow in May, cherry blossoms xoxo

and this

My loves will fill my heart this weekend and clean their bedrooms.  A two-fer.  I'm a lucky mama.


xoxo

Ben

The most authentic thing about us
Is our capacity to create, to overcome,
To endure, to transform, to love,
And to be greater than our suffering.    Ben Okri

I often think of Ben's words in my head.  Especially of late.  My  mind is still in a whirlwind from the weekend.

We all make choices in life.  Some of these choices are in line with what we want...what we want to generate for ourselves and for those that matter.   

I choose family.  Family is so very important to me in my life.  Not only my children, but my siblings, their families, my parents and our extended family.

I choose to entertain and host family and events.

When these two choices come together, I have a house full of guests, kids running in and out, loud conversations and laughter.  At times I can feel overwhelmed, anxious and want everyone to leave.  But then I remind myself, this is what I choose.  I choose family.  I choose to entertain.  I should not suffer over what I choose.  When I get present to this, a calmness appears and I get present to what I want and the people who are in my life.  I am lucky and blessed.

And I truly recognize it's not always so black and white or easy.

This doesn't mean I don't have struggle with what I choose.  I still struggle with some of my choices in my life.  Let's look at example number one.  I want to live a long and healthy life.  I want to grow old, I want to watch my kids become adults and start families.  I dream of becoming a grandma.  I want to be around to support my children and enjoy that stage of my life.  But there is conflict in the way I'm living my life now.  What I'm choosing now won't get me to "old" (or older).  I'm not choosing this in my everyday actions.  I'm not living a healthy life and taking care of my body.  I know what needs to be done.  But knowing doesn't give me any power.   And I suffer for it.

But today I chose differently.  I made conscious choices.  And it felt good.

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I don't mean to be such a "Debbie Downer".  I will move back to regularly scheduled postings.

How about some pictures from my weekend.  The house at Cannon Beach was like a white cloud.  Two cabins in the back, one was the original house, and the second a shed, converted to a dreamy bedroom.  In addition there was a newly built big house in the front of the property.  Can you say dreamy?

Looking out into the back yard, original house on the left, shed turned bedroom on the right.

A quick view into the shed turned bedroom.

A view from the couch, lovely white sofas and light grey painted floors.  And, oh, the millwork.  LOVE.  

This was my first time to Cannon Beach, it's amazingly beautiful.  I can't wait to return.

I'll share more soon.

xoxo

Fear No More

I'm back from my four day venture to Cannon Beach.  "Ignite the Heart" was more than I could have ever imagined.  Going in I felt many of the emotions that I thought I would.  But when I typed them pre-trip, I thought it would have been easier to "snap" myself out of them.  The snap didn't work so well.  It is likely that I "willed" them into the universe and generated the preconceived notions into the "space".  I struggled.

It's hard to have the voice of doubt in your head.  You listen but also know how stupid and unrealistic it is.   You tell it to shut-up, but it aches and pulls at your thoughts.  There was a lot of struggle to generate what I knew I wanted.  And at times the pull was as strong as the waves at the beach.  Ache.

Saturday morning we all headed out about 6:30 for an early walk on the beach.  We listened to Melody make a declaration for all of us to hear, the world, the universe, mother earth and her waves listened to her words.  She was inspired, she was inspiring, I was inspired.   And as we separated, I reflected, I listened to the waves.  It was at that point that Tonya suggested that I make a declaration too.  What could I write in the sand...what did I want to be washed away, what stops me in life, to write it and send it out to sea, away from me....I wrote FEAR.   What a strong word, it felt right.  Fast forward to Saturday night, our last night.  The couches were moved, the dance floor was set and the music was on.  And there it crept, fear.  Now, you may not know this about me, but I DO love to dance.  I dance all the time with my kids.  But as the pounds have added to my body this year, they also add weight to my self-esteem.

As I sat back and watched the dance party start, I knew that sitting couch-side was not what I wanted.  I wanted to belong.  These amazing woman don't know the scared Tere, the one filled with fear.  They only know the Tere that is present with them now.  So I danced, and I didn't care who was watching.

photo courtesy of Lara Blair www.modernprairiegirl.com

Four days weren't enough.  I met an amazing group of talented women.  We met, we laughed, we cried, we shared and we danced.

Me | 4 days

Last year, I set out 45 things I wanted to do before I was 45.  I've been checking them off, with a nearly a month left.  One of my goals this year was to get out and connect, and do things for ME.

I've been successful in taking some time to experience some new things, some out of my comfort zone and now I'm heading out to check another thing off my list and it's BIG.

One of my Christmas gifts to myself was Lara Blair's photography retreat IGNITE, set with a group of women on the Oregon coast.  Upon signing up, at the time I was anxious and excited.  Now that I start tomorrow, I'm more anxious than excited.

This is definitely out of my comfort zone.  A group of strangers.  In a house.  There is no where to hide.  What are the sleeping arrangements?  What if I snore?  Grind my teeth?  Other bodily noises.  What if I don't fit in?  What if I can't keep up?

I'm packed and as ready and anxious as a kid before their first day of school.

I hope to come back with new friends, new skills and lots of good stories.

13

Today was the anniversary of one of the most blissful days of my life.  I welcomed Alex and Sofia into the world, into my life and into the hearts of many.

We celebrated with family last night.  But tonight, it was just us.

13 years.  I'm the mom of TWO teenagers, just like that.  I think it's a "major" birthday, in line with "golden" birthdays, sweet 16 and your 21st birthday.  So we celebrated, we celebrated BIG.

Sofia wished for a new jacket and Alex wanted the cold hard cash.  We ate, we sang, we laughed and celebrated.

We visited the space needle, we fine dined and circled the observation deck.  For Alex and Sofia, it was their first visit to the top of the needle.  I hope it is as memorable to them as it was for me.  Sometimes it's the everyday stuff that makes the best memories.  And then there are times like this.  Special times. Times that will warm their hearts and bring a smile to their face, when they remember, 13.

Life is good.

After a bit of baseball this morning, I was able to come home and do my most favorite thing.  I putzed.

Made the kids breakfast.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Read the mail.
Planted some seeds.
Played in the yard.
Pulled some weeds.

A couple loads of laundry.

Took a short nap on the couch.

Putzed.  A lot of putzing.

I love days like this, but feel a bit guilty for not doing something major.  Like.....cleaning my closet, which is on my to do list and has been on it for a long time.  I just close the door and fugghet.about.it.

The sun was out, the wind blew the cherry blossoms, Pet Shop Boys was on Pandora.  It felt good.

I took some pictures of my lovelies.  Well, one lovely, the only one that will let me take pictures of her. The boys won't sit still, annoyed by the camera, they run, and surprisingly, I can't catch up ;)